Ella & I had another talk about my mom, her death, diabetes, and such. She had a hard time saying diabetes at first, not now it rolls off her tongue. It's kinda funny, but I'm also fearful that she now equates diabetes with death. Ugh.

In an ironic way, I'm also in the midst of writing an essay for submission about dealing with diabetes. It does center around me dealing with my gestational diabetes while dealing with my mom dying of complications of diabetes. Now I have a great ending, having to explain all of this to my daughter. I won't hear until next year about it. It's very personal and includes details I'm not sure most of my closest friends even know. It's all very scary, but also feels good to get some of these things out of my closet.

But the thing I keep going back to is this statement by Ella. "But I miss her!" I never even thought she could miss my mom. I mean she never met her. I did make her feel better be retelling the story of how I put my mom's hand on my belly and Ella kicked and woke my mom up for a few seconds. It made her smile and made me cry.

I've been so wrapped up in my own mourning & grieving of what can never be to even consider that Ella is going through the same thing. How can you miss something you never had? At least I have memories of my mom playing with the nephew, knowing that she would have been just as kind, gentle, loving, and funny with Ella...if not more.

I can't recall the last time one of my sisters, my dad, or me even mentioned my mom in casual conversation. This blackout has often bugged me, but now in light of Miss Ella's revelation, seems even more outrageous. Oy, Christmas is gonna be fun.

Labels: Ella