Yet again I got dissed by a program that I applied for. This time it's a leadership training program. I've wanted to apply for it for years but never thought that I had enough experience or whatever to make the cut. The folks who get it looked too high up the foodchain to me. But a friend just finished and sent me and few others an email encouraging us to apply. So another friend and I applied together. I even did her the favor of collecting our endorsement papers from some Big Fish in the city. And a few days ago I got the "You Suck" letter. Thanks but no thanks.

When will I learn?

I think I need to stop applying to programs until I get a handle on myself. What I mean is that despite leaving an organization that was very abusive to me, my injuries are still raw. People still ask me about them and I just shrug and say, "I don't communicate with them anymore." Would someone ask an abused woman how her sucky ex is? I would hope not! Considering how fairly honest I was with people when I switched organizations over the summer, I'd think that most people would know better. And I can't help but notice that it's the white chicas who ask. Then again, most of the women I rabblerouse with are white. So there you go. It also doesn't help that the leaders of said organization are soooooo slooooow to respond to inquires and that people know that I respond fairly quickly.

What does it mean for me, a Latina, a woman of Mexican descent, to be so heavily involved in a mostly white women's organization/movement? BFP and Samhita are pondering similar questions of being a WOC and what that means. What does it mean that I can't seem to win an election or a competition, but people are more than willing to appoint me to positions where I get to do a lot of work? Does it matter that I don't get "the title", but I do get a lot of work done? More than others who have "the title?" Am I still stuck in a cycle of abuse with white feminism? Do I have the strength to walk away from years of hard work?

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