Wednesday, July 14, 2004
( 7/14/2004 10:22:53 AM )
My entire life, pregnancy, and post-partum life, I've always said that I could never stay home with Ella. I feel that I'd get bored, that I'd bore Ella, that I'd end up that crazed SAHM who you read about in medical journals or have a Lifetime special made about me. In essence, I'd wilt & die at home.
Today something happened that makes me think differently.
I'm leaving for Las Vegas tonight after work. That means that after I left Miss Ella at daycare at 7 am, I won't see her until 9 pm on Sunday night. I can do that, right? Well I left her in a different room this time. Her usual teacher doesn't get in until just after 7 am. The alternate room needs to keep it's door shut as Miss Ella is fully mobile. Her normal room has a gate so the teachers can keep the door open.
So I leave Miss Ella. She seems fine. I go to her normal room to leave her food & formula. That's when I hear it.
At the top of her lungs is Miss Ella crying, no screaming and pounding the room door. I think, that can't be her, but it is. I go to the room and put my hand on the door. Debating with myself to either open it or leave her. I look at my watch. I have to be at a meeting NOW. Here's the conversation I have in my head:
* I can be late.
* No, Roni. You have to set up.
* I can be late.
* She's not crying for you.
* I'll hold her until Miss Y gets in. It's only 10 minutes.
* She'll just cry even harder when you do leave.
* But *I* need to hold her!
* She'll be ok. Just go.
And I did. But as soon as I got in the car, I dialed the hubby and cried. I've only cried one other time about leaving Ella at daycare. Today was different. Hell, if I let go, I'd still be crying.
I wish I knew what it was about today that makes me feel like chucking it all and staying home with that adorable woman-child. Is it that I've never been away from her this long? That she's just getting over being sick? That an administrator who I have to work with, but isn't a real co-worker made me feel like an idiot today? Maybe all of it and more.
I drove past the daycare on the way back to the office and it made me even more sad. I actually thought of picking her up and bringing her to work with me. Even thou I know it wouldn't work. She's walking now folks. Really walking.
Maybe she's finally at the point where she really is a little girl, not just a baby. She's got her personality, her voice, and her demands. I can't get enough of her. Maybe it's that the hubby tells me that she's miserable without me. That she won't let him even pee without crying.
My family is at a crossroads and I feel like circling the wagons and drawing us all in. It's an overwhelming feeling. It's not an easy thought to have because it's utterly insane. We need two salaries to make our life work. We're thisclose to buying a home. We're moving forward and I want to pull us back. See, it's insane.
Maybe I just really need this time in Vegas by myself. And I really will be by myself. While I'll know a lot of the women there, I'm not going with anyone I'd call a friend. I'm planning on a lot of pool time with a good book.
Gawd, motherhood sucks. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. And most days I can't tell which is which.
...
( 7/14/2004 10:22:53 AM )
SAHRoni?
My entire life, pregnancy, and post-partum life, I've always said that I could never stay home with Ella. I feel that I'd get bored, that I'd bore Ella, that I'd end up that crazed SAHM who you read about in medical journals or have a Lifetime special made about me. In essence, I'd wilt & die at home.
Today something happened that makes me think differently.
I'm leaving for Las Vegas tonight after work. That means that after I left Miss Ella at daycare at 7 am, I won't see her until 9 pm on Sunday night. I can do that, right? Well I left her in a different room this time. Her usual teacher doesn't get in until just after 7 am. The alternate room needs to keep it's door shut as Miss Ella is fully mobile. Her normal room has a gate so the teachers can keep the door open.
So I leave Miss Ella. She seems fine. I go to her normal room to leave her food & formula. That's when I hear it.
At the top of her lungs is Miss Ella crying, no screaming and pounding the room door. I think, that can't be her, but it is. I go to the room and put my hand on the door. Debating with myself to either open it or leave her. I look at my watch. I have to be at a meeting NOW. Here's the conversation I have in my head:
* I can be late.
* No, Roni. You have to set up.
* I can be late.
* She's not crying for you.
* I'll hold her until Miss Y gets in. It's only 10 minutes.
* She'll just cry even harder when you do leave.
* But *I* need to hold her!
* She'll be ok. Just go.
And I did. But as soon as I got in the car, I dialed the hubby and cried. I've only cried one other time about leaving Ella at daycare. Today was different. Hell, if I let go, I'd still be crying.
I wish I knew what it was about today that makes me feel like chucking it all and staying home with that adorable woman-child. Is it that I've never been away from her this long? That she's just getting over being sick? That an administrator who I have to work with, but isn't a real co-worker made me feel like an idiot today? Maybe all of it and more.
I drove past the daycare on the way back to the office and it made me even more sad. I actually thought of picking her up and bringing her to work with me. Even thou I know it wouldn't work. She's walking now folks. Really walking.
Maybe she's finally at the point where she really is a little girl, not just a baby. She's got her personality, her voice, and her demands. I can't get enough of her. Maybe it's that the hubby tells me that she's miserable without me. That she won't let him even pee without crying.
My family is at a crossroads and I feel like circling the wagons and drawing us all in. It's an overwhelming feeling. It's not an easy thought to have because it's utterly insane. We need two salaries to make our life work. We're thisclose to buying a home. We're moving forward and I want to pull us back. See, it's insane.
Maybe I just really need this time in Vegas by myself. And I really will be by myself. While I'll know a lot of the women there, I'm not going with anyone I'd call a friend. I'm planning on a lot of pool time with a good book.
Gawd, motherhood sucks. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. And most days I can't tell which is which.
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